Issues Facing Non-Offending Caregivers

1. Believing That Abuse Occured within Your Family

Denial is a common response to disclosure of abuse, particularly incest. Denial is a method that people use to protect themselves from having to deal with something painful to accept. Unfortunately, although denial may be comforting, it prevents one from taking appropriate action to deal with problems. Child victims need to be believed and protected from further danger.

2. Deciding Who Leaves the Home

It is common practice for Child Protective Services (CPS) to tell the family that the offender has to leave the home. One might think that it would be easier for the victim to leave, but when the victim is the one removed from the home, the victim is the one identified as having the problem, and the one being punished. If someone is wavering on the issue of not wanting the abuser to leave the home, it may be viewed as not protective of the child/ren. It is important that one believes the abuse occurred and will quickly agree to keep the offender out of the home for as long as necessary.
If CPS does not believe that someone is willing and able to be protective, CPS may start making preparations to remove the victim from the home.

3. Assessing Blame for the Incest

The offender is to blame for the abuse, not the family members or the child. It is possible that you had no previous knowledge of the abuse. However, in cases of in-home abuse by a male parental figure, most mothers or caregivers had some idea that abuse was occurring. If you did have previous knowledge, own up to it. Your lack of honesty will discredit your other statements. Even if you did make bad decisions the first time you were aware of the abuse, that does not mean that you cannot protect your child this time.

4. Dealing with Codependency

You may have issues with codependency that need to be addressed in therapy to help you avoid making poor choices in your future relationships.

5. Repairing Your Relationship With the Victim

If your child immediately reported the abuse to you, you instantly believe him/her, and if you did not waiver in the slightest in choosing your child over the offender, your relationship probably has not been damaged. Otherwise you have work to do. Your reactions to and support of your child are some of the most critical elements in his/her emotional recovery. Please ask for further resources in dealing with this issue.

6. Prosecuting the Offender

No one wants someone they love to go to prison, and this is one possible consequence when criminal charges are filed. However, prosecution is a natural consequence of the offenders behavior. It can be therapeutic to the entire family because it clearly states that a crime has been committed, and the offender, not the family, you or the victim, is the one responsible.

7. Assessing the Safety of Reuniting With the Offender

This issue cannot even be considered until the above six areas have been taken care of. Please ask for further resources and information on dealing with this issue.