How To Tell Your Child, "It's Not Your Fault"

Even adults are sometimes confused about why kids don't use self-protection rules. Both adults and children believe bad things only happen to other people and ignore safety rules. Sometimes the rules don't work, even when followed. Children should not be responsible for preventing sexual abuse, adults should be. Whatever kids can do to protect themselves is great, but children do not have the understanding of the world necessary to ward off all danger from adults who want to take advantage of them.

You can help your children understand fault better by talking about what is and isn't their fault. Examples of other things that adults are not supposed to do with kids may help them understand the difference in responsibility. Your child may have said no, and the offender didn't listen, or told him / her: "You really like it or you wouldn't be here." "If you haven't told already, who is going to believe you now?" "You went along with it before, you can't get out of it now."

What To Say:

Some things are a child's fault. It's your fault if...

• you don't feed the dog when it is your chore
• you don't keep your room clean so you can't find your shoes
• you fail a test because you didn't study

It's not your fault if...

• you fail a test because something bad happened to you and you couldn't concentrate
• your mother (or father, or stepmother or baby-sitter) catches the flu
• you're hungry before dinner time
• you do what an adult says, and then find out that he was tricking you
• you like special attention and like being held