Appropriate Discipline: Setting Limits With Young Children

Children have to be taught discipline, little by little--they are not born knowing it. Teaching discipline takes time and practice, but gets easier as children learn to control their behavior.

What is discipline?

Discipline is helping children develop self-control, setting limits, and correcting misbehavior. Discipline also is encouraging and guiding children, helping them feel good about themselves, and teaching them how to think for themselves

Is spanking a useful approach to discipline?

No. Discipline should help children learn how to control their own behavior. Spanking is used to directly control children's behavior. Spanking does not teach children how to change what they do, as good discipline should.

Won't spanking teach children who is the boss?

Children need to know the adult is in charge, however spanking can teach children to be afraid of that adult. Good discipline teaches children respect.

If I do not spank, then what can I do?

Help your children learn self-control and feel good about themselves. Show them how a person with self-control acts. Guide them, set limits, correct misbehavior by talking to them, and teach them how to think for themselves.

How can I help my children feel good about themselves?

Let them know what they are doing right and wrong. Hearing good things makes us feel good and makes us want to do more good things. When they are changing their behavior, tell them how well they are doing, even if they only improve just a little.

What do I need to do to guide them?

• Set routines for bedtimes, meals, and chores. Routines help children feel safe because they know what you expect.
• Young children have a hard time going from one activity to another. Warn them a few minutes ahead of time to help them get ready.
• Be clear about your choices. Make choices that you can live with.

Remind them of your rules because children often need reminders.

How can I set limits?

• Start with only a few rules. The more rules you have, the harder it will be for your children to remember them.
• Know why you are saying no and explain your reasons for saying it. Help your children learn to get along with others. Stick to what you believe in.
• Give children a voice in setting limits. When children help make rules, they are more likely to obey them. You may set many limits together, though some may have to be set by you alone.

Say what you mean. Be clear about your limits.

Will my children like me when I set down limits?

Will they think I'm a "meanie?" If you're fair, setting limits does not make you a "meanie." When you stick to your limits, your children may not agree with you. Accept their feelings, but keep in mind that fair limits show you care.

What do I do when my children break the rules?

• Stay calm. Do something that is fair, makes sense, and will help them learn not to make the same mistake again.
• Have the child say what the problem is.
• Have the child come up with as many solutions as possible. The number of ideas is more important than how good the ideas are.
• Discuss solutions and have the child choose which solution to try next time. Be sure it is a solution you can both accept.
• Try out the solution. Check the results. If it works, great. If not, start again.

Children get two important messages when you use this approach. First, no problem is so great that you cannot solve it. Second, you are responsible for your own behavior.